I don't know why I feel the need to write about this now, but it's something that is on my mind constantly. "Oh, you're pregnant!? Is this your first!?" I get asked this question a million times a day, especially since I see so many patients in a day ... and also by complete strangers when I am around town. I love that I look pregnant! OH, how I have wanted to look pregnant for so many years. It's a part of pregnancy that you don't realize is so important until it's missing. But, I wasn't expecting this wierd feeling everytime I am asked. Well, this obviously isn't my first, which makes that such an easy question. But then it's always followed with, "Oh, what number? ... or ... How many other children do you have?" Thats the bombshell. It's easy to say I have an 18 month old, and leave the question there. Then I have this sense of hiding a child. I do have an 18 month old, and I also have a child that is in a much better place. Do I tell them this is number 3, or number 2!? My small baby who is no longer in my arms is a very large part of our family. We cherish him, love him, and know that he is a part of us. Sam and I feel as if we have 3 children, just one isn't here with us. I feel like I need a scarlet letter to wear everyday, that way when I am in the store, Hani in the cart, and my belly obviously larger than normal ... everyone can see that I also have an additional child that is some where special. I don't want to forget about him ... I will never forget. The small moment he was in my arms will last a life time. So, for now I am having my third baby, my third son ... I have three children; two I take care of and one who takes care of me ... all three that I love very much! When I was in Syria a few years ago, we thought it would be funny to have someone "read" my turkish coffee. (Long story of what that this, but to make it simple it's like a fortune teller.) She told me I would be blessed with 3 sons! Guess I shouldn't be surprised when I found out we are having another boy ... she was right ... 3 sons!!
My little baby, oh, how he looked just like me. He looked so different from Hani, who looks just like his dada. Which also makes me nervous about the little brother that I will be welcoming into the world in just a few short weeks. If he looks like me, will I always wonder that is how my baby would have grown to look like. I will never know his facial expressions and laugh, but if this baby looks like me ... then maybe everyday I'll be reminded of what I won't ever know.
Maybe I feel the need to write this or to address these emotions, because I have been forced to change my delivery hospital. I wanted to deliver at St. Joe's ... I have the best private medical insurance just for this reason. But changes in St. Joe's billing has left me with no other choice. Banner Good Sam Medical Center is the only other hospital where I can deliver. Banner is the only other facility that my physicans would be comfortable with my delivery. Even though everything is going normal, "they just don't know about me!" as they say. Banner is a good facility with level III Nicu and high risk OB wing. But Banner Good Sam is also the hospital that we were forced to deliver our first child. Can I bare to walk those halls again, or see that room? I don't know if I can handle this type of emotion ... on top of delivery. When we went to pre-register tears came to our eyes, just the thought of when we registered last time. When the door opened and we saw the delivery rooms, tears came streaming down my face ... take a left, two doors on the left ... I was there. I will have to keep positive, and know that it's a good thing to welcoming another son into our family, and we are lucky to be here and remember one good moment of seeing our first born.
Digging into his elmo cake!